The ninth girl's story
Susan Yates:
First Going to Church
by Charles Lamb
I was born and brought up, in a house in which my parents had all
their lives resided, which stood in the midst of that lonely tract of
land called the Lincolnshire fens. Few families besides our own lived
near the spot, both because it was reckoned an unwholesome air, and
because its distance from any town or market made it an inconvenient
situation. My father was in no very affluent circumstances, and it
was a sad necessity which he was put to, of having to go many miles
to fetch any thing he wanted from the nearest village, which was full
seven miles distant, through a sad miry way that at all times made it
heavy walking, and after rain was almost impassable. But he had no
horse or carriage of his own.
The church which belonged to the parish in which our house was
situated, stood in this village; and its distance being, as I said
before, seven miles from our house, made it quite an impossible thing
for my mother or me to think of going to it. Sometimes indeed, on a
fine dry Sunday, my father would rise early, and take a walk to the
village, just to see how goodness thrived, as he used to say, but
he would generally return tired, and the worse for his walk. It is
scarcely possible to explain to any one who has not lived in the fens,
what difficult and dangerous walking it is. A mile is as good as four,
I have heard my father say, in those parts. My mother, who in the
early part of her life had lived in a more civilised spot, and had
been used to constant churchgoing, would often lament her situation.
It was from her I early imbibed a great curiosity and anxiety to see
that thing, which I had heard her call a church, and so often lament
that she could never go to. I had seen houses of various structures,
and had seen in pictures the shapes of ships and boats, and palaces
and temples, but never rightly any thing that could be called a
church, or that could satisfy me about its form. Sometimes I thought
it must be like our house, and sometimes I fancied it must be more
like the house of our neighbour, Mr. Sutton, which was bigger and
handsomer than ours. Sometimes I thought it was a great hollow cave,
such as I have heard my father say the first inhabitants of the earth
dwelt in. Then I thought it was like a waggon, or a cart, and that it
must be something moveable. The shape of it ran in my mind strangely,
and one day I ventured to ask my mother, what was that foolish thing
that she was always longing to go to, and which she called a church.
Was it any thing to eat or drink, or was it only like a great huge
play-thing, to be seen and stared at?--I was not quite five years of
age when I made this inquiry.
This question, so oddly put, made my mother smile; but in a little
time she put on a more grave look, and informed me, that a church
was nothing that I had supposed it, but it was a great building, far
greater than any house which I had seen, where men, and women, and
children, came together, twice a day, on Sundays, to hear the Bible
read, and make good resolutions for the week to come. She told me,
that the fine music which we sometimes heard in the air, came from
the bells of St. Mary's church, and that we never heard it but when
the wind was in a particular point. This raised my wonder more than
all the rest; for I had somehow conceived that the noise which I
heard, was occasioned by birds up in the air, or that it was made
by the angels, whom (so ignorant I was till that time) I had always
considered to be a sort of birds: for before this time I was totally
ignorant of any thing like religion, it being a principle of my
father, that young heads should not be told too many things at once,
for fear they should get confused ideas, and no clear notions of any
thing. We had always indeed so far observed Sundays, that no work was
done upon that day, and upon that day I wore my best muslin frock,
and was not allowed to sing, or to be noisy; but I never understood
why that day should differ from any other. We had no public
meetings:--indeed the few straggling houses which were near us, would
have furnished but a slender congregation; and the loneliness of the
place we lived in, instead of making us more sociable, and drawing
us closer together, as my mother used to say it ought to have done,
seemed to have the effect of making us more distant and averse to
society than other people. One or two good neighbours indeed we had,
but not in numbers to give me an idea of church attendance.
But now my mother thought it high time to give me some clearer
instruction in the main points of religion, and my father came readily
into her plan. I was now permitted to sit up half an hour later on a
Sunday evening, that I might hear a portion of Scripture read, which
had always been their custom, though by reason of my tender age, and
my father's opinion on the impropriety of children being taught too
young, I had never till now been an auditor. I was taught my prayers,
and those things which you, ladies, I doubt not, had the benefit of
being instructed in at a much earlier age.
The clearer my notions on these points became, they only made me
more passionately long for the privilege of joining in that social
service, from which it seemed that we alone, of all the inhabitants
of the land, were debarred; and when the wind was in that point which
favoured the sound of the distant bells of St. Mary's to be heard
over the great moor which skirted our house, I have stood out in the
air to catch the sounds which I almost devoured; and the tears have
come in my eyes, when sometimes they seemed to speak to me almost
in articulate sounds, to come to church, and because of the great
moor which was between me and them I could not come; and the too
tender apprehensions of these things have filled me with a religious
melancholy. With thoughts like these I entered into my seventh year.
And now the time was come, when the great moor was no longer to
separate me from the object of my wishes and of my curiosity. My
father having some money left him by the will of a deceased relation,
we ventured to set up a sort of a carriage--no very superb one, I
assure you, ladies; but in that part of the world it was looked upon
with some envy by our poorer neighbours. The first party of pleasure
which my father proposed to take in it, was to the village where I had
so often wished to go, and my mother and I were to accompany him; for
it was very fit, my father observed, that little Susan should go to
church, and learn how to behave herself, for we might some time or
other have occasion to live in London, and not always be confined to
that out of the way spot.
It was on a Sunday morning that we set out, my little heart beating
with almost breathless expectation. The day was fine, and the roads
as good as they ever are in those parts. I was so happy and so proud.
I was lost in dreams of what I was going to see. At length the tall
steeple of St. Mary's church came in view. It was pointed out to me by
my father, as the place from which that music had come which I have
heard over the moor, and had fancied to be angels singing. I was wound
up to the highest pitch of delight at having visibly presented to me
the spot from which had proceeded that unknown friendly music; and
when it began to peal, just as we approached the village, it seemed to
speak. Susan is come, as plainly as it used to invite me to
come,
when I heard it over the moor. I pass over our alighting at the house
of a relation, and all that passed till I went with my father and
mother to church.
St. Mary's church is a great church for such a small village as it
stands in. My father said it was a cathedral, and that it had once
belonged to a monastery, but the monks were all gone. Over the door
there was stone work, representing saints and bishops, and here and
there, along the sides of the church, there were figures of men's
heads, made in a strange grotesque way: I have since seen the same
sort of figures in the round tower of the Temple church in London. My
father said they were very improper ornaments for such a place, and
so I now think them; but it seems the people who built these great
churches in old times, gave themselves more liberties than they do
now; and I remember that when I first saw them, and before my father
had made this observation, though they were so ugly and out of shape,
and some of them seemed to be grinning and distorting their features
with pain or with laughter, yet being placed upon a church, to which
I had come with such serious thoughts, I could not help thinking
they had some serious meaning; and I looked at them with wonder, but
without any temptation to laugh. I somehow fancied they were the
representation of wicked people set up as a warning.
When we got into the church, the service was not begun, and my father
kindly took me round, to shew me the monuments and every thing else
remarkable. I remember seeing one of a venerable figure, which my
father said had been a judge. The figure was kneeling, as if it was
alive, before a sort of desk, with a book, I suppose the Bible, lying
on it. I somehow fancied the figure had a sort of life in it, it
seemed so natural, or that the dead judge that it was done for, said
his prayers at it still. This was a silly notion, but I was very
young, and had passed my little life in a remote place, where I had
never seen any thing nor knew any thing; and the awe which I felt at
first being in a church, took from me all power but that of wondering.
I did not reason about any thing, I was too young. Now I understand
why monuments are put up for the dead, and why the figures which
are upon them, are described as doing the actions which they did in
their life-times, and that they are a sort of pictures set up for our
instruction. But all was new and surprising to me on that day; the
long windows with little panes, the pillars, the pews made of oak, the
little hassocks for the people to kneel on, the form of the pulpit
with the sounding-board over it, gracefully carved in flower work. To
you, who have lived all your lives in populous places, and have been
taken to church from the earliest time you can remember, my admiration
of these things must appear strangely ignorant. But I was a lonely
young creature, that had been brought up in remote places, where there
was neither church nor churchgoing inhabitants. I have since lived in
great towns, and seen the ways of churches and of worship, and I am
old enough now to distinguish between what is essential in religion,
and what is merely formal or ornamental.
When my father had done pointing out to me the things most worthy of
notice about the church, the service was almost ready to begin; the
parishioners had most of them entered, and taken their seats; and we
were shewn into a pew where my mother was already seated. Soon after
the clergyman entered, and the organ began to play what is called
the voluntary. I had never seen so many people assembled before. At
first I thought that all eyes were upon me, and that because I was
a stranger. I was terribly ashamed and confused at first; but my
mother helped me to find out the places in the Prayer-book, and
being busy about that, took off some of my painful apprehensions. I
was no stranger to the order of the service, having often read in a
Prayer-book at home; but my thoughts being confused, it puzzled me a
little to find out the responses and other things, which I thought I
knew so well; but I went through it tolerably well. One thing which
has often troubled me since, is, that I am afraid I was too full of
myself, and of thinking how happy I was, and what a privilege it was
for one that was so young, to join in the service with so many grown
people, so that I did not attend enough to the instruction which I
might have received. I remember, I foolishly applied every thing that
was said to myself, so as it could mean nobody but myself, I was so
full of my own thoughts. All that assembly of people, seemed to me as
if they were come together only to shew me the way of a church. Not
but I received some very affecting impressions from some things which
I heard that day; but the standing up and the sitting down of the
people; the organ; the singing;--the way of all these things took up
more of my attention than was proper; or I thought it did. I believe
I behaved better and was more serious when I went a second time, and
a third time; for now we went as a regular thing every Sunday, and
continued to do so, till, by a still further change for the better in
my father's circumstances, we removed to London. Oh! it was a happy
day for me my first going to St. Mary's church: before that day I used
to feel like a little outcast in the wilderness, like one that did
not belong to the world of Christian people. I have never felt like a
little outcast since. But I never can hear the sweet noise of bells,
that I don't think of the angels singing, and what poor but pretty
thoughts I had of angels in my uninstructed solitude.
The tenth girl's story
Arabella Hardy:
The Sea Voyage
by Charles Lamb
I was born in the East Indies. I lost my father and mother young. At
the age of five my relations thought it proper that I should be sent
to England for my education. I was to be entrusted to the care of a
young woman who had a character for great humanity and discretion; but
just as I had taken leave of my friends, and we were about to take our
passage, the young woman was taken suddenly ill, and could not go on
board. In this unpleasant emergency, no one knew how to act. The ship
was at the very point of sailing, and it was the last ship which was
to sail that season. At last the captain, who was known to my friends,
prevailed upon my relation who had come with us to see us embark,
to leave the young woman on shore, and to let me embark separately.
There was no possibility of getting any other female attendant for me,
in the short time allotted for our preparation; and the opportunity
of going by that ship was thought too valuable to be lost. No other
ladies happened to be going; so I was consigned to the care of the
captain and his crew,--rough and unaccustomed attendants for a young
creature, delicately brought up as I had been; but indeed they did
their best to make me not feel the difference. The unpolished sailors
were my nursery-maids and my waiting-women. Every thing was done by
the captain and the men, to accommodate me, and make me easy. I had
a little room made out of the cabin, which was to be considered as
my room, and nobody might enter into it. The first mate had a great
character for bravery, and all sailor-like accomplishments; but with
all this he had a gentleness of manners, and a pale feminine cast of
face, from ill health and a weakly constitution, which subjected him
to some little ridicule from the officers, and caused him to be named
Betsy. He did not much like the appellation, but he submitted to it
the better, as he knew that those who gave him a woman's name, well
knew that he had a man's heart, and that in the face of danger he
would go as far as any man. To this young man, whose real name was
Charles Atkinson, by a lucky thought of the captain, the care of me
was especially entrusted. Betsy was proud of his charge, and, to do
him justice, acquitted himself with great diligence and adroitness
through the whole of the voyage. From the beginning I had somehow
looked upon Betsy as a woman, hearing him so spoken of, and this
reconciled me in some measure to the want of a maid, which I had been
used to. But I was a manageable girl at all times, and gave nobody
much trouble.
I have not knowledge enough to give an account of my voyage, or to
remember the names of the seas we passed through, or the lands which
we touched upon, in our course. The chief thing I can remember, for I
do not remember the events of the voyage in any order, was Atkinson
taking me up on deck, to see the great whales playing about in the
sea. There was one great whale came bounding up out of the sea, and
then he would dive into it again, and then would come up at a distance
where nobody expected him, and another whale was following after him.
Atkinson said they were at play, and that that lesser whale loved that
bigger whale, and kept it company all through the wide seas: but I
thought it strange play, and a frightful kind of love; for I every
minute expected they would come up to our ship and toss it. But
Atkinson said a whale was a gentle creature, and it was a sort of
sea-elephant, and that the most powerful creatures in nature are
always the least hurtful. And he told me how men went out to take
these whales, and stuck long, pointed darts into them; and how the sea
was discoloured with the blood of these poor whales for many miles
distance: and I admired at the courage of the men, but I was sorry
for the inoffensive whale. Many other pretty sights he used to shew
me, when he was not on watch, or doing some duty for the ship. No one
was more attentive to his duty than he; but at such times as he had
leisure, he would shew me all pretty sea sights:--the dolphins and
porpoises that came before a storm, and all the colours which the sea
changed to; how sometimes it was a deep blue, and then a deep green,
and sometimes it would seem all on fire: all these various appearances
he would shew me, and attempt to explain the reason of them to me,
as well as my young capacity would admit of. There was a lion and a
tiger on board, going to England as a present to the king, and it
was a great diversion to Atkinson and me, after I had got rid of my
first terrors, to see the ways of these beasts in their dens, and how
venturous the sailors were in putting their hands through the grates,
and patting their rough coats. Some of the men had monkeys, which ran
loose about, and the sport was for the men to lose them, and find them
again. The monkeys would run up the shrouds, and pass from rope to
rope, with ten times greater alacrity than the most experienced sailor
could follow them; and sometimes they would hide themselves in the
most unthought-of places, and when they were found, they would grin,
and make mouths as if they had sense. Atkinson described to me the
ways of these little animals in their native woods, for he had seen
them. Oh, how many ways he thought of to amuse me in that long voyage!
Sometimes he would describe to me the odd shapes and varieties of
fishes that were in the sea, and tell me tales of the sea-monsters
that lay hid at the bottom, and were seldom seen by men; and what a
glorious sight it would be, if our eyes could be sharpened to behold
all the inhabitants of the sea at once, swimming in the great deeps,
as plain as we see the gold and silver fish in a bowl of glass. With
such notions he enlarged my infant capacity to take in many things.
When in foul weather I have been terrified at the motion of the
vessel, as it rocked backwards and forwards, he would still my fears,
and tell me that I used to be rocked so once in a cradle, and that
the sea was God's bed, and the ship our cradle, and we were as safe
in that greater motion, as when we felt that lesser one in our little
wooden sleeping-places. When the wind was up, and sang through the
sails, and disturbed me with its violent clamours, he would call it
music, and bid me hark to the sea-organ, and with that name he quieted
my tender apprehensions. When I have looked around with a mournful
face at seeing all men about me, he would enter into my thoughts,
and tell me pretty stories of his mother and his sisters, and a female
cousin that he loved better than his sisters, whom he called Jenny,
and say that when we got to England I should go and see them, and how
fond Jenny would be of his little daughter, as he called me; and with
these images of women and females which he raised in my fancy, he
quieted me for a time. One time, and never but once, he told me that
Jenny had promised to be his wife if ever he came to England, but that
he had his doubts whether he should live to get home, for he was very
sickly. This made me cry bitterly.
That I dwell so long upon the attentions of this Atkinson, is only
because his death, which happened just before we got to England,
affected me so much, that he alone of all the ship's crew has
engrossed my mind ever since; though indeed the captain and all
were singularly kind to me, and strove to make up for my uneasy and
unnatural situation. The boatswain would pipe for my diversion, and
the sailor-boy would climb the dangerous mast for my sport. The rough
foremastman would never willingly appear before me, till he had combed
his long black hair smooth and sleek, not to terrify me. The officers
got up a sort of play for my amusement, and Atkinson, or, as they
called him, Betsy, acted the heroine of the piece. All ways that could
be contrived, were thought upon, to reconcile me to my lot. I was the
universal favourite;--I do not know how deservedly; but I suppose it
was because I was alone, and there was no female in the ship besides
me. Had I come over with female relations or attendants, I should have
excited no particular curiosity; I should have required no uncommon
attentions. I was one little woman among a crew of men; and I believe
the homage which I have read that men universally pay to women, was in
this case directed to me, in the absence of all other woman-kind. I do
not know how that might be, but I was a little princess among them,
and I was not six years old.
I remember the first draw-back which happened to my comfort, was
Atkinson's not appearing during the whole of one day. The captain
tried to reconcile me to it, by saying that Mr. Atkinson was confined
to his cabin;--that he was not quite well, but a day or two would
restore him. I begged to be taken in to see him, but this was not
granted. A day, and then another came, and another, and no Atkinson
was visible, and I saw apparent solicitude in the faces of all the
officers, who nevertheless strove to put on their best countenances
before me, and to be more than usually kind to me. At length, by the
desire of Atkinson himself, as I have since learned, I was permitted
to go into his cabin and see him. He was sitting up, apparently in a
state of great exhaustion, but his face lighted up when he saw me, and
he kissed me, and told me that he was going a great voyage, far longer
than that which we had passed together, and he should never come back;
and though I was so young, I understood well enough that he meant this
of his death, and I cried sadly; but he comforted me and told me, that
I must be his little executrix, and perform his last will, and bear
his last words to his mother and his sister, and to his cousin Jenny,
whom I should see in a short time; and he gave me his blessing, as
a father would bless his child, and he sent a last kiss by me to all
his female relations, and he made me promise that I would go and see
them when I got to England, and soon after this he died; but I was
in another part of the ship when he died, and I was not told it till
we got to shore, which was a few days after; but they kept telling me
that he was better and better, and that I should soon see him, but
that it disturbed him to talk with any one. Oh, what a grief it was,
when I learned that I had lost my old ship-mate, that had made an
irksome situation so bearable by his kind assiduities; and to think
that he was gone, and I could never repay him for his kindness!
When I had been a year and a half in England, the captain, who
had made another voyage to India and back, thinking that time had
alleviated a little the sorrow of Atkinson's relations, prevailed upon
my friends who had the care of me in England, to let him introduce me
to Atkinson's mother and sister. Jenny was no more; she had died in
the interval, and I never saw her. Grief for his death had brought on
a consumption, of which she lingered about a twelvemonth, and then
expired. But in the mother and the sisters of this excellent young
man, I have found the most valuable friends which I possess on this
side the great ocean. They received me from the captain as the little
protégée of Atkinson, and from them I have learned passages of his
former life, and this in particular, that the illness of which he died
was brought on by a wound of which he never quite recovered, which he
got in the desperate attempt, when he was quite a boy, to defend his
captain against a superior force of the enemy which had boarded him,
and which, by his premature valour inspiriting the men, they finally
succeeded in repulsing. This was that Atkinson, who, from his
pale and feminine appearance, was called Betsy. This was he whose
womanly care of me got him the name of a woman, who, with more than
female attention, condescended to play the hand-maid to a little
unaccompanied orphan, that fortune had cast upon the care of a rough
sea captain, and his rougher crew.
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